Tough, tough week-end.  It was the two year anniversary of my mother's passing and my husband was gone for his job.  I did get to spend some good quality with W via the internet and video chat.  It is so hard to believe that she has been gone for 2 years already.  And that I have only been going through the motions of life for that long.  I take courage from the people that remembered and know why these individuals are called friends.  And it amazes me how many people that are supposed to be support for you, forget one of the single most important dates to you.  And worse, the ones that you mention it to who say nothing at all.  I know that helping people deal with grief is tricky, to say the least, but if you are supposed to be a part of someone's support structure, you should at least be able to say, "Sorry, what do you need today" and give a hug.  It saddens me that we live in a world where this is not how people act.  Where you get more love and affection from "strangers" on the internet than your "friends" and family.  I also hate how one part of the family looks at me with disdain for choosing to be friends with the designated "black sheep", when this "black sheep" is the first person to see I need something and can usually figure out what I need without even asking.

On the positive note from this week-end, W and I had a lovely time and got to spend hours "together".  How I wish he lived closer and we could have spent the time together in person.  I also was blessed with getting to chat with my hubby some and play a couple games.

So, I survived another year with that part of me gone.  I wonder, do any of you, that have lost a best-friend or extremely close relative, truly feel that person still with you?  And if you do, how long did it take?  I still can not feel my mother and just feel emptiness, loneliness, sadness, heartache and anger.  I have started questioning the faith I had found and really wonder if there is anything after death, or if we just return to the soil to become a new part of the earth...part of the earth's "life stream", if you will.  Nothing has ever left me so lost and confused as losing my mother.

The "characters" in my life

First, my husband(I)

I am married to a catholic man, that comes from a devout catholic family.  I label myself as an agnostic with Christianity morals and tendencies, and as I am sure any of you can guess, this in itself presents a challenge, even to a strong marriage.  He loves me with all of himself, and wants only my happiness.  I believe this.  He is an avid outdoors man, and it is one of the qualities that attracted me to him. I am an indoor, book reading, gamer that had never fished or camped before meeting my husband.  In the beginning all of this made for a lot of excitement and adventure.  Now I worry that our differences are too great.  Especially with having a child now and seeing how differently we view what is and is not important to life.

Second, my best friend(W)

Yes, I know...isn't your husband your best friend...no, he is not.  My best friend is the man I would call my soul mate.  We have yet to find an aspect we do not agree on, other than patriotism(he does not live in the US).  We met through a game and through a combined love of mathematics.  Even with the culture differences of having been raised in two completely different countries, we see eye to eye.  We have been able to complete each other's sentences from the beginning of our friendship and we find we often say the same thing(albeit worded a little differently) at the exact same time.

Third, my oldest friend(L)

The friend I have had in my life the longest is my best female friend.  We have been friends since 1996.  We have been through boyfriends, break-ups, engagements, weddings, moves, divorces, death of loved ones...you name it we have been there for each other.  We are complete opposites in everything.  She is the most outgoing and extroverted person I know...I am one of the most introverted people I know...although I have mastered how to appear social to those that do not truly know me or want to take the time to know me.  But she always makes me laugh and smile and never asks for anything from me.  She is one of the first people to call me up, just to see if I am ok. 

Fourth, my nearest friend(M)

She is a single mom of two young boys and we frequently have play dates for our children.  She is a distant relative, but feels much more like a friend, than a family member.  Her and her mother were both huge supports for me during the last couple weeks of my mother's life and I do not know how I would have cared for my mother, my husband and my 4 month old daughter if it had not been for them.  She will always have a place in my heart and be welcome in my life.  She does have her own struggles and issues(don't we all) and I try my best to over look the flaws and support her, just as she does me.

Fifth, another close friend(J)

This young man has been a friend and confidante since 2005.  He is truly like a baby brother to me.  He is almost 9 years younger than me.  He was there for me during my divorce from my first husband(at the tender age of 17) more than any of my "adult" friends were.  He was actually the one to point out to me that I was being mistreated and abused and deserved better.  I helped him through some of those fun senior times, like what girl is the right one and prom and graduation, also sat through some break-ups with him and have watched him grow a career and fall in love with his soon to be wife.


Those are the main players in my life, along with the obvious in-laws, child and misc. family members and random acquaintances.  These 5 are the people that I need in my life and want in my life.  They are the only ones that truly matter to me anymore.  They are the ones that have shown they love me and want my happiness as I have sank into this deep hole.  I hope that they are all waiting for me on the other side when I find me and my happiness.