Frustration

So, the other day I was told by someone that will remain nameless, but that is in my support circle, that people find it hard to care about me because I send mixed signals about what I want and need.  I am baffled by this.  How hard is it to understand that I want to be treated with some respect.  I feel I treat people how I view they treat me and others.  If you gossip to me about someone that you claim to be close to, I am not going to trust you with my stories, nor really want to spend time with you.  It is ok to have those people you go to in times of need and stress and let off steam, but idle gossip is something entirely different.  I am no longer in high school and do not need the high school games.

Also, stop judging when you know nothing about what that person has been through in their life.  Just because someone lives life differently than you, it does not make you "better" than them.  I recently have been judged(silently) by those that are supposed to love me.  And I am witnessing these same people pass judgment on someone I care deeply about.  Fine if it is not "right" for you...you are not them and they are not you!  People have different needs and wants.  We are adults,  not children, not teenagers...let's please act like it.  If someone bothers you to the point you find it necessary to always vent about them, maybe it is time to remove them from your life, at least temporarily.  It is not that hard, even if it is family.  Even family can destroy the beautiful blooms that someone is capable of creating.  In fact, I sometimes believe family is more destructive to the blooms.  

I am on an incredibly difficult journey in my life right now...the last thing I need is to be surrounded by the sideways looks and the "all knowing" glances.  No one knows exactly what I feel or how I think.  No one can decide what I need, but me.  If you are not getting something that you need from me, then you can show yourself to the exit door of my life.  If you want to remain, then come talk to me.  Because after I get the glances enough times, I tend to lock the door and close the curtains so I don't have to see them anymore.  One simple truth about me...I do not handle confrontation of any kind well.  This is something I am trying to work on, but it does not come easy when you spent years and years of your life being abused and neglected.  

That part I have posted on FB, as some people needed to see it and I have not announced my blog to anyone that knows me yet.  My husband discovered it one day as he was browsing the internet, but other than that, I do not believe anyone that knows me knows of the existence of this yet.  I am not ready to share this with anyone yet.  Not even W or L.  I feel a little guilty for not making them aware of it, but I want this space to come to and put down anything I am feeling at the time, no matter how hurtful it may be.  My own online "counselor", if you will.  I worry about how things will be taken and read.  I worry about someone thinking something is specific to them and making an issue where there isn't one.  I worry about losing those that I need in my life.  I often feel so alone in all this.  These are the days I really miss my mother.