Frustration

So, the other day I was told by someone that will remain nameless, but that is in my support circle, that people find it hard to care about me because I send mixed signals about what I want and need.  I am baffled by this.  How hard is it to understand that I want to be treated with some respect.  I feel I treat people how I view they treat me and others.  If you gossip to me about someone that you claim to be close to, I am not going to trust you with my stories, nor really want to spend time with you.  It is ok to have those people you go to in times of need and stress and let off steam, but idle gossip is something entirely different.  I am no longer in high school and do not need the high school games.

Also, stop judging when you know nothing about what that person has been through in their life.  Just because someone lives life differently than you, it does not make you "better" than them.  I recently have been judged(silently) by those that are supposed to love me.  And I am witnessing these same people pass judgment on someone I care deeply about.  Fine if it is not "right" for you...you are not them and they are not you!  People have different needs and wants.  We are adults,  not children, not teenagers...let's please act like it.  If someone bothers you to the point you find it necessary to always vent about them, maybe it is time to remove them from your life, at least temporarily.  It is not that hard, even if it is family.  Even family can destroy the beautiful blooms that someone is capable of creating.  In fact, I sometimes believe family is more destructive to the blooms.  

I am on an incredibly difficult journey in my life right now...the last thing I need is to be surrounded by the sideways looks and the "all knowing" glances.  No one knows exactly what I feel or how I think.  No one can decide what I need, but me.  If you are not getting something that you need from me, then you can show yourself to the exit door of my life.  If you want to remain, then come talk to me.  Because after I get the glances enough times, I tend to lock the door and close the curtains so I don't have to see them anymore.  One simple truth about me...I do not handle confrontation of any kind well.  This is something I am trying to work on, but it does not come easy when you spent years and years of your life being abused and neglected.  

That part I have posted on FB, as some people needed to see it and I have not announced my blog to anyone that knows me yet.  My husband discovered it one day as he was browsing the internet, but other than that, I do not believe anyone that knows me knows of the existence of this yet.  I am not ready to share this with anyone yet.  Not even W or L.  I feel a little guilty for not making them aware of it, but I want this space to come to and put down anything I am feeling at the time, no matter how hurtful it may be.  My own online "counselor", if you will.  I worry about how things will be taken and read.  I worry about someone thinking something is specific to them and making an issue where there isn't one.  I worry about losing those that I need in my life.  I often feel so alone in all this.  These are the days I really miss my mother.

Tough, tough week-end.  It was the two year anniversary of my mother's passing and my husband was gone for his job.  I did get to spend some good quality with W via the internet and video chat.  It is so hard to believe that she has been gone for 2 years already.  And that I have only been going through the motions of life for that long.  I take courage from the people that remembered and know why these individuals are called friends.  And it amazes me how many people that are supposed to be support for you, forget one of the single most important dates to you.  And worse, the ones that you mention it to who say nothing at all.  I know that helping people deal with grief is tricky, to say the least, but if you are supposed to be a part of someone's support structure, you should at least be able to say, "Sorry, what do you need today" and give a hug.  It saddens me that we live in a world where this is not how people act.  Where you get more love and affection from "strangers" on the internet than your "friends" and family.  I also hate how one part of the family looks at me with disdain for choosing to be friends with the designated "black sheep", when this "black sheep" is the first person to see I need something and can usually figure out what I need without even asking.

On the positive note from this week-end, W and I had a lovely time and got to spend hours "together".  How I wish he lived closer and we could have spent the time together in person.  I also was blessed with getting to chat with my hubby some and play a couple games.

So, I survived another year with that part of me gone.  I wonder, do any of you, that have lost a best-friend or extremely close relative, truly feel that person still with you?  And if you do, how long did it take?  I still can not feel my mother and just feel emptiness, loneliness, sadness, heartache and anger.  I have started questioning the faith I had found and really wonder if there is anything after death, or if we just return to the soil to become a new part of the earth...part of the earth's "life stream", if you will.  Nothing has ever left me so lost and confused as losing my mother.

The "characters" in my life

First, my husband(I)

I am married to a catholic man, that comes from a devout catholic family.  I label myself as an agnostic with Christianity morals and tendencies, and as I am sure any of you can guess, this in itself presents a challenge, even to a strong marriage.  He loves me with all of himself, and wants only my happiness.  I believe this.  He is an avid outdoors man, and it is one of the qualities that attracted me to him. I am an indoor, book reading, gamer that had never fished or camped before meeting my husband.  In the beginning all of this made for a lot of excitement and adventure.  Now I worry that our differences are too great.  Especially with having a child now and seeing how differently we view what is and is not important to life.

Second, my best friend(W)

Yes, I know...isn't your husband your best friend...no, he is not.  My best friend is the man I would call my soul mate.  We have yet to find an aspect we do not agree on, other than patriotism(he does not live in the US).  We met through a game and through a combined love of mathematics.  Even with the culture differences of having been raised in two completely different countries, we see eye to eye.  We have been able to complete each other's sentences from the beginning of our friendship and we find we often say the same thing(albeit worded a little differently) at the exact same time.

Third, my oldest friend(L)

The friend I have had in my life the longest is my best female friend.  We have been friends since 1996.  We have been through boyfriends, break-ups, engagements, weddings, moves, divorces, death of loved ones...you name it we have been there for each other.  We are complete opposites in everything.  She is the most outgoing and extroverted person I know...I am one of the most introverted people I know...although I have mastered how to appear social to those that do not truly know me or want to take the time to know me.  But she always makes me laugh and smile and never asks for anything from me.  She is one of the first people to call me up, just to see if I am ok. 

Fourth, my nearest friend(M)

She is a single mom of two young boys and we frequently have play dates for our children.  She is a distant relative, but feels much more like a friend, than a family member.  Her and her mother were both huge supports for me during the last couple weeks of my mother's life and I do not know how I would have cared for my mother, my husband and my 4 month old daughter if it had not been for them.  She will always have a place in my heart and be welcome in my life.  She does have her own struggles and issues(don't we all) and I try my best to over look the flaws and support her, just as she does me.

Fifth, another close friend(J)

This young man has been a friend and confidante since 2005.  He is truly like a baby brother to me.  He is almost 9 years younger than me.  He was there for me during my divorce from my first husband(at the tender age of 17) more than any of my "adult" friends were.  He was actually the one to point out to me that I was being mistreated and abused and deserved better.  I helped him through some of those fun senior times, like what girl is the right one and prom and graduation, also sat through some break-ups with him and have watched him grow a career and fall in love with his soon to be wife.


Those are the main players in my life, along with the obvious in-laws, child and misc. family members and random acquaintances.  These 5 are the people that I need in my life and want in my life.  They are the only ones that truly matter to me anymore.  They are the ones that have shown they love me and want my happiness as I have sank into this deep hole.  I hope that they are all waiting for me on the other side when I find me and my happiness.

A little background

I want to point out the things that I feel have set me on this journey, and possibly some problems that others will be able to relate to.  If any of you have been here, please feel free to leave comments and offer hope to those of us that are still here and still dealing with our questions.  And for anyone that is on this path, hopefully, we may find peace together.

1.  I was raised in a broken home, by a father that refused to see any of us children and did not pay child support.
2. My mother was an alcoholic for a part of my childhood.  I am the baby and would rely on my siblings, but as they grew up(11, 7 and 4 years older than me), they would move out and move on with their own lives.  I know now as an adult, they did what they had to do to "survive" and make peace in their own lives, but it left me feeling abandoned and neglected as a child.
3. I married for the first time at 21, for all the wrong reasons and was in an emotionally abusive marriage.  My ex-husband successfully alienated me from all of my friends and most of my family.  I found the courage to get out and leave just after 5 years of it.
4. I am now remarried to a loving man, however I have scars from my first marriage that I did not try to heal, I just tucked them away, that I have unfortunately carried with me into this marriage.  But my husband is trying to be understanding and we are hoping the best for our marriage.  We know it is a long road and in the end, we want to be able to be great again, or know we did everything we could.
5. I have one daughter, age 2.  I had a very hard pregnancy, suffering from Hyperemesis.(for more info on this feel free to check out www.helpher.org )
6. I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer in July 2010.  She was diagnosed in November 2009 with inoperable stage I.  I was 5 months pregnant when we got the diagnosis.  I was her sole caregiver and she died under hospice care in my home.  I am sure anyone that has gone through the stress of caring for someone with a terminal illness, will know how hard it can be to do this without help from other family, and I had the added stress of a newborn daughter.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle

Introduction

I am starting a new journey in my life, at the young age of 33.  I had an epiphany a few months ago and realized that I always live life for everyone around me and am a "people pleaser".  I have decided I want to change all that.  I want to know who the "real" me is and find my path.

I am hoping to share my journey, so others will not feel alone when they are here.  I have felt lost and alone these past few months as I have decided to start this journey, but I have come to realize that I am not alone in it.  So maybe, by sharing my thoughts and feelings, I can help others to see that they are not alone either.  And to maybe, just maybe help someone else, live for real.